Stay Alive

I’m still at the bar, it’s almost midnight but I show no signs of leaving. I twirl my old fashioned and sit alone with my thoughts, those seem to be the only thing I can control anymore. I look around and see a few people and wonder if they too know my troubles. 

“Barkeep, another… please.” Almost begging him to relive this weight on my heart.

I am drowning and I can’t swim back up for air. It’s like someone threw me into the Hudson with a rock tied to my feet. I try to grab onto the water molecules but they keep slipping through my fingers, I can’t save myself.

I stare at the phone, hoping that I don’t get the call

Hoping that the one good decision I made does not get taken away from me.

I am interrupted by the guitar strum ringtone of my iPhone. I pick up but don’t speak, all I hear is my sister on the other side telling me she’s gone.

She’s gone and she isn’t coming back. I don’t react, I keep my phone down and ask for another drink. I relieve our good times and, for a second, a smile comes across my face. Then I remember these are all that’s left of her, mere memories.

I lay my head on the bar, staring through the glass that holds the antidote to life. I close my eyes, hoping that I never wake up and face my worst fear.

~Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.~

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